It’s wrong to tell off other people’s kids – it leaves me fuming as a mum

We were out for a vegan burger and fries at a private members’ club when the waiter accidentally brought us an extra portion of chocolate ice cream. My daughter Lola, 8, seizing her chance to have two puddings rather than one, dipped her spoon into both of them before we managed to send the surplus one back.

“Why would anyone do that?” yelled my single-dad friend across the table, as though he was dealing with a horrific crime. “If you’re going to behave like this, Lola, then it’s time we all went home.”

Oh no! It’s happened again. Another parent has told off my child in an inappropriate way, and it leaves me fuming. It’s a bit like people rolling their eyes and shaking their heads if your toddler has a tantrum in a public place; it’s impolite and rude.

Lola– who is exceptionally well-behaved, in part thanks to my low tolerance threshold due to being a single working mum – looked shell-shocked. I felt mum-shamed.

I wanted to tell the dad off for his outrageous behaviour, but I restrained myself, as he should have done with her. He insisted on paying the bill, and I put the incident down to him having a bad day.

It wasn’t, though: it’s the curse of knowing a parent, family member or a friend who thinks it’s perfectly OK to tell off your children.

During a recent short stay with friends in Gloucestershire, the same thing happened. A dad started disciplining my kids and telling them they had to eat all their food on the plate before they could get pudding. It was, he said, “non-negotiable” and “house rules”.

Later, when the children had been sent to bed at 7pm – two hours earlier than usual for my girls during the holidays – Liberty, who’s 6, crept back downstairs to give me a kiss goodnight. He shouted: “Back to bed NOW, please, Liberty.” I had to rush over to grab her for a kiss as if visiting time was over at a prison and I was being sent back to the cell block.

Even his partner later admitted to me that she felt embarrassed about how strict he was being, and kept saying to him: “Shhh!” It was constant: “Elbows off the table,” “Um, excuse me, Liberty, no playdough at the table, thank you,” and “Lola, put your plate down, please – it belonged to my great-great grandfather.”

I wonder if it’s worse for single mums, like me, as some fathers feel drawn to acting like dutiful dads in front of my children, knowing that Lola and Liberty’s dad sadly died.

But it’s not just dad friends on the warpath. A girlfriend and I fell out when she ran upstairs screaming at my kids, accusing them of being mean to her son when it was the other way around. Why do some people think it’s fine to lecture and threaten others’ children with sanctions without consulting the caregivers? Parents lose perspective and start pointing fingers.

I’ve had plenty of real nightmares with other people’s children – but did I tell them off? No. I deal with misbehaving in another way – more gently. I might mention it to the parents at pick-up for them to sort, always sensitively, and I keep out of it, unless it is a major incident.

A child I’d collected for a playdate last week ran around one of our local food shops, picking up hand-painted chocolate eggs and dropping them on the floor, smashing them into pieces, while laughing manically. I quietly dragged her out.

Then the same kid looked at my kitchen cupboard, grabbed its base, and hoisted it upwards – I couldn’t understand how a six-year-old hadthe strength to bend it to a 90-degree angle. I don’t have the luxury of a DIY partner in the house, so I had to call a handyman. It cost me £90 to fix it.

That same child also insisted on painting my face, and I was so overwhelmed by the playdate that I forgot to take it off. I walked around for 20 minutes and even went to get petrol with no idea that I looked like a mum who had no self-respect left.

There was another girl who came over who kept doing selfies of her bum – unbeknown to me – using my phone. (I found hundreds of photos when she left.) Her mum, who had come with her, just sat there smiling, even when her child turned on my hose and started charging around the garden with it, soaking herself and the mum, who found it hilarious.

At home time, I was trying to shuffle the child out past my elderly dad, who was having a very bad health day, and the child didn’t want to go and kept doing moonies and jumping up and down on the sofa, doing Bugs Bunny impressions with her teeth.

I was trying to call the rapid response team at the time, as I didn’t know if my dad needed medical help. I had to pick up the child and lift her out of my flat and into the communal hallway – her mum was too fluffy and into gentle parenting. I had no option but to take action, and there’s no chance of a return visit.

We shouldn’t tell off other people’s children, and part of the reason is that we need to be able to hold it back for genuine emergencies where harm might come to someone. I once looked up and saw a friend of Lola’s leaping around on our glass kitchen roof. I screamed: “Get down now!” I made him sit in the kitchen for “time out”. In a case like this, the child knows it’s a serious matter and their parents will also understand why action has been taken.

The point is, we all parent in different ways and we don’t know each other’s family rules – that’s why it doesn’t work to discipline other kids.

I really don’t appreciate it when mum friends lecture my children or people behave as if I can’t control my own offspring. I’m sick to the back teeth of parents being blind to their own children’s behaviour. I have had to put up with their children having epic meltdowns or staining my floor with paint. It’s all part and parcel of having children. But there is a limit to how much I can put up with from other parents telling off my kids. Enough is enough. It’s out of order and, ironically, it’s the parents doing it who should be reprimanded.